


Litt trist

by satansdattir



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (i think), (i think....), An almost blowjob, Angst, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, actually dont read at all...................., alcohol mention, now im gonna paint my nails pink, plzzzz dont read it if you are triggered!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 23:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4764779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satansdattir/pseuds/satansdattir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Surprisingly enough, he actually gets along with Hinata. He’s loud and jumpy and has an everlasting storage of energy.<br/>He’s cute, and when he smiles it looks like someone poured the literal sun in his face, because it brightens up the day and the room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> me: *screams for eternity because of words that cannot be translated from mother tongue to english*
> 
> pls excuse my grammar mistakes, i caNT WRITE ANYTHING BUT PRESENT TENSE WHEN I WRITE ENGLISH FICTION WTH!!! this is a genuine problem i really hate present tense too.... sigh........ sometimes i go back and fix my mistakes or drastically change a paragraph...... hmmmm.
> 
> also come talk to me at bukknebb.tumblr.com because it is coo000l

Kageyama has never been good at making friends. He didn’t quite get all the social ques. He didn’t get all the jokes. He didn’t get when to stop, and he wasn’t particularly nice. Granted, that wasn't because he intended to be mean, he just... Couldn't do it. Whenever he thought about saying something it came out wrong, and when he tried to fix it that came out wrong too. With that in his mind, he concluded that maybe if he became really good at volleyball, all the other people would think “Wow, he’s really cool!” and then become his friend. So he trained, and trained, and trained, until his muscles became sore and his hands became calloused. He also became insufferable, ruling the court and the team with an iron hand, because he was good at volleyball, but bad at being a social being. The only friend he’ll ever have is his cat, and he was beginning to get old.

  
Kageyama hates himself. Not only because it was so stupid that he thought people would like him solely because he’s good at volleyball. He hates how he looks. He hates how he constantly scowls. He really hates his voice. He hates how he thinks that he’s a mistake. He hates how his life is quite ok, but it still feels like someone constantly is clutching his chest, how it feels like he always is freezing. He hates how he smiles, because every single time he smiles, someone would comment how scary he looks. So he stops smiling.  
He has been doing this for a long time.

  
He scratches his thighs. He’s been doing it for so long, that it almost goes on autopilot. Every night, before he goes to sleep, he’ll scratch, until he can’t focus on anything but the pain, so he doesn’t have to think about how lonely he is. So that he doesn’t have to think about all the times he sits alone in the lunch break, eating alone whilst looking at the other people chatting, having fun with their friends and not being miserable.

  
He wants to sleep, and this is the only way he’ll fall asleep, with his thighs burning.

  
-

  
It is a day with a boy who is the personification of the sun, who jumps so high that it should be called a leap, that he realizes that he isn’t the only one who hates him. Everyone else does. No one is there to spike his toss, because he was too damn rude, and he was too damn controlling, and that was wrong. And now the coach asks him to sit on the bench, to cool down. And then he sees the glass wall between him and the rest of the team, separating them. He’ll never make it through, and he’ll never make friends with them, and now he’s fighting off tears. He can see them talking, but he’ll never understand. One thing, however, he understands; why they hate him.

  
That night is the first night he’ll put a razor to his skin on his left hip, watching as the skin is sliced open, as the blood started to drip down.

  
-

  
It’s hard, because it constantly feels like there is bad weather. Sometimes he has a good day, managing to get out of his bed, to eat breakfast, get to school, eat lunch and then get home, but there is no sun, only clouds. Normally, it rains, and he struggles with getting up, and eating, and getting home, and living. Sometimes there is a raging storm within, and he can’t get up, and he can’t eat, and he can’t go to school, and he is always so close to giving up, and all he can do is watching the clock as the minutes and seconds clock away. He cries a lot on these days, but always silent, so that his parents won’t hear him.

  
Regardless of this, he still manages to get through the last of the school year, with big struggles. It’s weird, like that. He’s being freezed out by the team, no one actually talking to him. He’s just being put out on the court, and expected to play flawlessly even when the team can’t stand him and their communication is the definition of shit. Despise his big struggles; he doesn’t get in to the schools he applied to. Or the good ones, at least.

  
-

  
He spends a lot of that summer in his bed, with his cat - Dai - in his arms, crying. The cat is old, the only animal that likes him. Probably the only form for living creature that likes him. He supposes Dai likes him because Kageyama grew up with the cat. Dai doesn’t judge him. All he does is purr and rub his face against him when he's shaking with tears. On one hand Kageyama could understand this nagging feeling. However, he doesn’t dare to say it out loud. That he’s depressed, because if he says so, it will feel like he’s broken, and messed up, and that will only make everything feel worse. So he just lay there, under the blanket staring into the emptiness, feeling the voice in the back of his head screaming that he wasn’t ok. He pushed it back, because he couldn’t face it.

  
-

  
He doesn’t really understand why he is so sad and numb. Apart from the whole not having any friends-thing, he lives a pretty good life. He has parents who love him – granted, they’re not much around because of their jobs - financial stability and a really cool cat. He feels like he has no reason to constantly feel the emotional equivalent to watching grass grow. There are people out there with bigger problems than his. People that are being beaten up by their parents or loved ones, people who live on the street, people that can’t afford food. He feels bad, because they feel worse than him, and they should get the positive attention. This could maybe just be a fad. He knows this is a lie, since he’s been feeling this nagging feeling in his gut since elementary school, but lying to himself makes him feel better, in some sick, twisted way.

  
-

 

He manages to get up on the first day of school. That alone is a small victory.

  
-

  
He is startled when he sees the orange haired boy from that match, who could jump really high. The one who stood on the stairs crying that he would win over him.  
And then the shrimp screams “What are you doing here?” and Kageyama is even more taken aback. It should be obvious, he goes to school here. And then he’s screaming even more – seriously, does this guy quiet down sometime? Things happen in a blur, and now they’re going to have a three on three match. How did this happen?

To be fair, Kageyama hadn’t been particularly friendly or shown much team spirit, but he was scared lifeless. He was so afraid of it ending up like in junior high, afraid of being disliked. Acting like a massive egocentric shitlord wouldn’t solve it, but it was a defense mechanism, and the things he say never gets out right. He never manages to actually formulate his thoughts, and everything comes out wrong.

  
In the end everything turns out ok. Kind of.

  
-

  
He tries to kill himself.

  
He’s been feeling so bad for some time now, and he’s feeling so empty. So he decides he’s going to do it. So he does. He knows – thinks - his parents aren’t going to be home that early. And now he’s here, sitting in the bathroom with his wrists cut open, waiting. His sight tunnels in, and the sound of silence is overwhelming, he can’t hear anything. So he doesn’t hear the door opening up, and he doesn’t hear his mother calling on him, and he doesn’t hear her scream as she notices her son, and he doesn’t hear her crying. He doesn’t hear anything before he wakes up in a hospital, feeling like a failure and a mistake, because he couldn’t manage to finish the fucking simple task of finishing his own life.

  
-

  
He feels dumb, because now his parents know. And now he has to take medicine and go to a therapist.

  
She’s nice, that’s not the problem, it just makes him uncomfortable, knowing that people know. After talking to her he gets hit in the face with diagnosises. Depression, autism, anxiety. It's overwhelming. He’s really afraid that people will find out, both about his poor mental health and his suicide attempt. He wears long sleeved jumpers whenever out in public, even if he is sweating a waterfall and almost dying of heat. Whenever he has to wear a short sleeved shirt he tries to cover the two scars on his wrists with friendship bracelets made by his young cousins and a sweatband. He’s too afraid that they’ll judge him and ridicule him.  
It is kind of nice having someone to talk to, though. She is a good listener, and she actually seems to like Kageyama. Not in that kind off “I like you, because that is polite”-way but in the “I actually like you”-way. Then again, Kageyama isn’t really good at picking up when people are being sincere or not, so he is unsure.

  
-

  
Surprisingly enough, he actually gets along with Hinata. He’s loud and jumpy and has an everlasting storage of energy. However, he gets it when people don’t have the energy to hear to his eternal screaming, and that is kinda relaxing.

  
He’s cute, and when he smiles it looks like someone poured the literal sun in his face, because it brightens up the day and the room. That’s what he’s doing now, talking to Nishinoya while smiling wide, and Kageyamas stomach turns.

  
Realization hits him in the face, like a truck.

  
He likes Hinata. He _like_ likes Hinata.

  
A _boy_.

  
He isn’t straight.

  
_Fucking **fuck**_ , how the fuck is he this messed up? He’s gay, or something, and his mental health is as messy as medeival Europe. What a party! People don’t like gays; they’re ridiculed and hated, and sometimes even beaten. He doesn’t want this, and he doesn’t know how to react or how to cope, so he just stands completely still, looking out in the air.  
That is, before he gets a volleyball in the side of his head, and he just looks startled up to Daichi, because he really can’t get mad at anyone now. He’s so confused and upset, so he just mutters a small "Fuck.”

  
-

  
On one hand it doesn’t really come off as a surprise, considering that he’s never felt attraction to any girls before. Whenever the boys in his class would gawk at a porn magazine with scantily clad ladies he would take no interest at all. Once, he even tried looking at porn. He deemed it too violent for his taste, and still concluded with that he was as straight as an arrow.

  
On the other hand, it shocked him. A lot. Even a literal elephant jumping out of his closet wouldn’t shock him more. In this scenario, however, he would be the one jumping out of a closet. The thing was that he didn’t show any interest in boys either. He could never see himself in a relationship with a boy. He guessed it was more about _the boy_. The boy being Hinata Shoyou.

  
So he concludes with that he is kind off gay, in lack of a better term.

  
-

  
Sometimes he smokes. He doesn’t do it on a regular basis, but when he first starts he chain-smokes like there is no tomorrow. He does it to calm himself down after a really tiring day. And the aesthetic. Today was a really tiring day, so now he’s leaning out of the window and inhaling and then exhaling.

  
He’d had his first cigarette at the ripe age of 13, when there had been a family party. He and his 17 year old cousin had hidden in a shed and his cousin had dared him to do it. His parents found out about it, and he was grounded for two weeks!

  
Kageyama assumes that he would be grounded for the rest of eternity if they found out. Or maybe they already know, but don’t want to do anything about it. He sighs as he stumps one in a makeshift ash tray and lights another.

  
-

  
He and Hinata become closer friends, and that makes Kageyama smile whenever he thinks about it, because Hinata is his first and his best friend ever. It stings a little bit whenever he thinks about how in love he is with the ball of energy, but he assumes he can’t do much about it. Instead they hang out, doing things that friends do.  
They’ll walk home together after practice, and occasionally buying a meat bun. They’ll have sleep overs, where they sometimes watch scary movies, leading to them not being able to sleep.

  
Kageyama notices that his parents are happier. They smile more, and he guesses it is because he has a friend now, something he hasn’t had before. His mother still calls him all the time, especially if he’s out without telling her anything. He understands it, though. He’d also call himself if he just disappeared, with him being fucked up and whatnot.

  
-

  
“Have you told anyone?” his therapist asks him.

  
She’s pretty. Not in the same way as a model would be, she’s pretty like a mother. She is the human embodiment of a hug from a mother. She has a soft face, with smiling wrinkles and dark brown hair tied in a loose bun. She talks about her plants, about how much they have grown, and she always tells him when they bloom.  
Kageyama shakes his head. By now, it’s only four people in the world who knows that matters. He assumes that some of the people working at the hospital the day Kageyama tried to off himself have figured it out, but they have probably forgotten.

  
“It could maybe help if you told someone. It’s hard to bear this on your own shoulders."

“I’m not bearing it all on my shoulders. I have my parents. And you.”

She nods a soft smile is appearing on her face. “I know, but it’s easier if your friends know.”

“I only have one.”

“Friend, then.”

He sighs, looking out of the window. The view is partially blocked by a really big potted cactus. It was silent for a while.

“Promise me you’ll tell, Tobio.” She said.

“Okay.” He mumbled, without any intention of actually telling someone.

  
-

  
It’s after practice, almost everyone has headed home, with the exception of Kageyama and Sugawara. The clubroom is empty as Sugawara is humming, and waiting for Kageyama to finish. Kageyamas bag is placed on top of a chair, and as he turn around to pick it up he knocks it off, spilling some of its contents.  
He had been in a hurry that day. He’d slept in and had to rush out of his house, not having time for breakfast or anything else. So he had to bring his medicine to school and take it there. Thus, leading to a truly terrifying turn of events.

  
His bottle of pills spilled out of the bag, falling on the floor and rattling with its content. It spilled out of the bag. It rolled away, and ended up not so far away from the other boy. Kageyama stood there, glued to his spot as he watched Sugawara bend down and pick up his bottle, smiling as he did so. Kageyama didn’t know if he fantasized it, but he could swear that he lingered a second, reading the label.

  
“Here, Tobio.” He said, smiling as he handed it over to him.

  
He nodded and looked at Sugawara. “Please don’t tell anyone.” He said as he shoved the bottle back into his bag. His voice sounded really weak and pathetic in his ears, like a terrified rabbit meeting a wolf.

“Of course I won’t tell.”

  
“Thanks.” He mumbled as he hurried out of the clubroom, and leaving the school. He hurried home, panicking on the inside. Fucking shit.

  
-

  
Whenever he would be with Hinata he became happier. He supposes that’s what happened when you spend time with your best friend slash crush. Given that he has fallen for the small boy, he notices more things about him.

So he takes to collecting memories of him and Hinata, so that he can have something to think back on when he’s having a bad day.

He has Hinatas face when he gets a meatbun saved. He has Hinatas laughter saved. He has the way he jumps saved. He has his smile when he spikes one of his tosses saved. He has how Hinata would steal his milk box and take a sip from it saved. In short, he has every, small little thing saved, so that he remembers when he feels like dying. It helps a little.

  
He really is in too deep.

  
-

  
The bottle of pills seems to stare back at him.  
He’s in a bad place right now, and he feels weak just reading the label.

_Kageyama, Tobio_

_Twice a day by mouth_

Does he really need to? They make him tired, but he can’t sleep. He has nightmares, and doesn’t have a healthy appetite. It would be better, right?

  
-

  
One would maybe imagine that his favourite colour is dark blue, grey, black or something along those lines.

  
But it isn’t.

  
It is yellow. He doesn’t actually have a favourite colour. He doesn’t look at dark plum or pistachio green and thinks 'Nice!' The only reason he likes yellow more than any other colour is because it reminds him so much of Hinata. Not an annoying bright yellow, but a warm sun yellow.

  
Both Hinata and the colour yellow are bright and loud, and both make him feel giddy and happy in his stomach. And Hinata looks so good in yellow, he just wants to kiss him, and hug him.

  
He loves yellow, and he loves Hinata Shoyou.

  
-

  
He is feeling bad. He is feeling really bad. He has been feeling really bad for about a week. He has skipped school and practice, and he feels bad for doing so, so he feels even worse.

  
He’s received a ton of messages. Not only from Hinata. Daichi, and Sugawara too.

  
**From: Suga-san**  
**To: Me**  
**Received: 21:46**  
_Are you feeling okay Tobio? U can talk to me if u feel the need to._  
_-Suga_

  
He scoffs. Not only because Suga uses a signature when his name is clearly displayed at the top of the message, but also because he doesn’t want to talk. He locks his phone, and lays down, stares at the ceiling, sighing.

  
_I have to try again._

  
-

  
Hinata has been noticing things about Kageyama. It’s weird. First of all, he’s been skipping practice. And school altogether, leading to him eating his lunch with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima. It feels weird not having Kageyama there to call him a dumbass at every time, and he can’t do his best without Kageyama. He wishes that he could be there, it feels empty without him. He really likes the dork, after all.

  
He also seems more tired than ever, and there is this weird aura around him, and honestly, Hinata is worried. Kageyama is his best friend, so he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to Kageyama. He has tried calling him and texting him whenever he’s gone, but he never answers when he calls, and his text just consists of one word sentences. He has tried talking to Suga about it, but he just says he doesn’t know anything. However, Hinata knows something is up, and he knows that Suga knows something about it.

  
-

  
It’s raining.

  
Not only is it raining, it’s pouring, and Kageyama is running up the steep mountain hill. He goes on autopilot and he is just running. His plan was to go into the forest and get it over with, but now he’s running really fast. He knows where he is going, but he doesn’t _know_. He hears his heart beat in his ears and the blood rush. It is freezing outside, but he doesn’t feel the cold, he's just... Hot. Too hot.

  
Soon he finds himself outside of a well-known house, the house of Hinata. He hasn’t talked to him in about five days, seven hours and thirteen minutes, so he doesn’t know if he’s even welcome here.

  
He knocks. He waits.

  
Soon he hears steps on the other side of the door, and then the door is opened by Hinatas mother, who stills when she sees him.

  
“Kageyama-kun! What are you doing out in this weather, it is freezing, and you are soaked!” she says, as she shimmers him inside the house, and makes him take of his shoes, socks and jacket, before giving him a fuzzy, white towel. “Just go upstairs, Hinata is doing homework.” He nods and takes to walking up the stairs and knocking on the door before walking inside.

  
Hinata looks up from his textbook, and his eyes widen. And Kageyama's dam breaks. He starts crying, biting his lips to hold in the sobs. He feels a hand take his wrist, and then he’s being lead to the bed and now he’s sitting with Hinata by his side, crying.

  
“I want to _die_ , Hinata.” He whispers, and he’s shaking. “I want to die, I just want to die.”

  
Small arms snake around him, hugging him. He’d be uncomfortable if he tried talking to much sense into him, he just wants someone to hug him, be there. And Hinata is there, comforting him and hugging him. Normally, Kageyama hates being touched like this, and he'd flinch away, but this is different. So he doesn't flinch away.

  
He eventually stops crying, and he’s borrowed dry clothes and now they’re lying in Hinatas small bed, crushed together. He still feels bad.

  
“I tried.” He mumbles. Hinata looks at him, clearly confused. “Killing myself.” He elaborates. Hinatas gaze softens, and he mumbles a small ‘oh’. “My plan was to do it today, because my mum found me the last time. But I came here.”

  
Hinata nods, and then there is silence again. Kageyama looks down on Hinata. He’s small, and cute. It’s really not weird that Kageyama fell in love with Hinata, because he is a person that is easy to like, and his social circle is big. He is really good at adapting to different social cues. He briefly wonders what zodiac sign he is. Maybe an Aries or Gemini. No wait, he knows his birthday. He has it memorized. The 21th of June. That means he's a Gemini. Some would say that he was a cusp, but Kageyama does not believe in cusps. The silence stretches.

  
“I like you, Hinata. Like… I _like_ like you.” He says, looking at Hinata, getting ready for rejection.

He nods.

“I like you too.”

Kageyamas brows reaches his hair. That was not expected.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to kiss?”

“Not really. I still like you, though.”

Hinata nods. “I understand.”

  
Kageyama is really tired. Running form his to Hinatas house and then crying takes a toll. He nods, and then they fall asleep like that.

  
-

The next day they make tea, and when Hinata's mum is away, they share a small peck over the two hot mugs of tea they made.

-

  
Although their relationship is good, it is not all sunshine and lollipops. When Hinata finds out that Kageyama has been ditching his medicines for almost a three weeks, he explodes. He’s screaming that this is irresponsible, and that Kageyama has to take care of his health if he actually wants to become better. Kageyama just stands there, and he doesn’t really know how to react. He’s sad and wants to cry, not only because Hinata found out about this, but also because he let him down. He’s disappointed, and mad. He is also a little bit happy, because now he has a reason to pull himself together.

  
The biggest fight is the fight they have when Hinata expresses a wish of coming out, and telling the team that they’re together, and Kageyama says no. It isn’t because he doesn’t like Hinata, he is just extremely scared of people disliking him because of his gayness. He is scared of being disliked on a general basis, even though he makes it easy. It’s really bad, because Hinata is guilt tripping him, accusing him of being ashamed of their relationship and him, and not really loving him.

  
It makes him cry, and it makes his heart plummet. He really loves Hinata, he loves him with his whole heart, and he doesn’t want his boyfriend to think anything else. Hinata runs, and he doesn’t know what to do.

  
That night, he bangs his head against the wall.

-

They make up not long after. Hinata apologizes for being rude and rushing things. It turns out okay after all.

  
-

  
Once, they get dragged to a house party.

  
They share a bottle of cheap wine, and get positively drunk. Kageyama decides that he hates parties. Too many people on a general basis make him uncomfortable, and when they don’t have any inhibitions and smell like sweat it’s even worse. It is okay, though, because he has Hinata by his side.

  
At the end of the night they steal two bikes, cycling through the streets. It is one of the happiest days Kageyama has experienced, and it feels like he’s in a shitty indie movie. He feels like he’s going super fast, and he can feel the wind blow through his hair. It gets even better when Hinata crashes into a lilac bush, and Kageyama can’t stop laughing.

They end the night with making out in the forest.

  
-

  
It happened.

  
The pair was making out on Hinatas bed, being as loud as they wanted to. His parents and baby sister were gone for the weekend, inviting them to have sex at a kitchen table if they felt the need to. Not that they were going to. They took it real slow, Kageyama not being too great with this kind of stuff.

  
Hinata was making his way down his boyfriend’s body, kissing, and biting. He sat upright and dragged off his pants and underwear. He looked smirking up at Kageyama, who’s too lost in bliss to think about anything else than the blowjob he is about to receive.

Hinata looked down at Kageyamas lap and then he stiffened visibly when noticing how his upper thighs and hips are covered in lines.

“Kageyama?” he mumbles.

His eyes shoot up, and he lifts his head to meet his gaze.

“Fuck. Shit. Fuck. You were not meant to see them. Fuck.” He hadn’t really thought this through.

“Kageyama, when was the last time you…?” he didn’t really want to say it out loud.

“I don’t know.” He mumbled.

“Tobio.” He said seriously.

The use of his first name made him stiffen and look up at Hinata.

“A week, I guess.”

Hinata sat down on his bed, looking at Kageyama. This was so much.

“You have to stop.” He said, sighing. He stretched out his hand and stroked his hair. “I love you, you know?”

“Don’t you think I’ve tried, dumbass? It’s not that easy.” He said with a little more bite than intended. He sighs when he sees his boyfriends hurt face. They stay silent for a while. “I’ll try.” He mumbles.

  
-

  
The team is surprisingly positive when they find out Hinata and Kageyama are dating. Kageyama is really happy, because at least the entire team didn’t catch them making out or something. No, he and Hinata sat down and decided to come out. Kageyama thinks that the majority of the team is some degree of not straight, so considering that it would be weird if the team disowned them for dating.

  
After they break the news, he swears he can see money being passed around.

  
-

  
Kageyama stops feeling so numb. It gets better and better.

  
There are still days when he is so apathetic that he can’t even muster the will to close his eyes, but they are fewer than before, and they are more spread out.

  
Sometimes, there is even a sun in his soul.

  
He wants to thank Hinata for making him good again, but he knows deep inside that this is his making. He did this by himself. Of course, he couldn’t have done this without support from both his friends – he counts the team as friends now – and family. But this is his own earnings, and he is so, so proud. He knows that his family are proud too, and those of his friends that know about this are proud too.  
He doesn’t hate himself anymore. He smiles more, because now that he isn’t miserable he feels he has a reason to smile. Consequently, the smiles he smile aren’t forced and they actually look good.

  
Kageyama doesn’t hate the way he smiles anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

It all goes bad again when Hinata leaves.

**Author's Note:**

> if u ever think "i wanna steal a bike" u should steal a bike while listening to Jag Kommer by Veronica Maggio. it really is a song one could steal bikes to.


End file.
